all of my life, in every season You are still God

the title of this post is from my all time favorite worship song, "Desert Song" by Hillsong United. i listen to this song all the time, especially when i'm going through a tough time. i absolutely love the message of the song because its something that i constantly have to remind myself; that we should praise God no matter what the circumstance. its easy to thank God for his blessings when everything seems to be going the way we want it to. the hard part is remembering to praise him even when we go through difficult trials. its easy to get upset at God when things are tough or don't turn out the way we want them to, but at the end of the day God is faithful and does what is best for us. last year i pushed God away when things got tough and that did nothing to my benefit (it did the exact opposite). now i'm trying to learn to give everything to God, the good and the bad.

 

that being said, i listened to this song alot this past week. on wednesday mackinley (who is now 7 weeks old!!) had surgery to lengthen his Achilles tendon. mackinley was born with bilateral clubbed feet and for the past 6 weeks he has been in a series of casts (we have to go back each week to get the cast changed / turn his feet a little more) to correct the orientation of his feet. at the beginning of his treatment the doctor told me that mack might need a small surgery (90% of clubbed feet cases need this surgery) where they actually cut his Achilles tendon completely and put one final cast on. cutting the tendons allows them to grow back longer. although the surgeon assured me that it was a very simple, quick surgery i was still very nervous. they had to put mackinley under general anesthesia which was very scary for me.
in the days leading up to the surgery i listened to the "Desert Song" multiple times a day. listening to the song and singing it to mackinley reminded me that God is in control of all things and that He would take care of my son; that i had nothing to worry about. the morning of the surgery i was praying for God to give me peace and to take away all my fears.
so when they took mackinley from my arms to bring him into the operating room, of course there is still a sense of sadness in seeing your child cry and knowing what they're about to go through, but i wasn't as scared or nervous as i expected to be. i felt that peace in my heart, that assurance that only God can provide.
and mackinley's surgery went perfectly! he is in his final cast now and after he gets them off (in just a week and a half) he'll just have to wear special shoes for 3 months to keep his feet straight.

something else that i just found out on this past tuesday is that i will be in need of surgery as well. when i was pregnant with mackinley, during my first ultrasound they found an ovarian cyst in my right ovary. my doctor did not want to remove it while i was pregnant because there was a larger risk for me and the baby. she also thought that the pregnancy could be making the cyst seems larger and that after i gave birth that it would shrink or disappear completely.
tuesday was my 6 week postpartum check up and i was so looking forward to my doctor giving me the green light to work out again. she said that everything seems good, but when it was time to check my cyst again, both my doctor and i were disappointed to find out that my cyst was not only still there, but it had grown.  she didn't want to worry me but she said to my mom that she did not like the way that the cyst looked. so she scheduled for me to have a laparotomy (fancy word for surgery in your abdomen) to have the cyst removed. i also have to have a blood test to make sure the cyst is benign.
hearing all this, instantly i began to worry. i've never had surgery and hearing my doctor explain the procedure and all the risks, of course i begin to think the worst. i just wanted to break down and cry. but i thought back to the lyrics of the "Desert Song" and i thanked God for everything he's blessed me with. i reflected on everything i went through this past year and a half and how through every difficult circumstance, God has always been faithful. so i should do the same. even though its hard to do, i'm giving this to God.

the reason i decided to be so open with this blog was 1. to be able to express myself as a way of healing from everything i've been through this past year and a half 2. share my testimony and experiences with others so that they may learn from my mistakes or feel that they are not the only one going through a particular circumstance. so i hope in posting this, we remember that in all things, through all things, God is still God and He will remain faithful. as it says in one of my favorite verses, "and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28)".